Resume Enhancement!

We've all been interviewed for jobs.  And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do.  Don't bite your nails.  Don't fidget.  Don't interrupt.   Don't belch.  If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly.  But some job applicants go light years beyond this.  A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations turned up these stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.  Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant.  It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company?  When do I start?    What's the salary?"  I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further."  He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.  "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

15. "His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.   When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number.  I called security."

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.  Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

The Questions
(How *not* to answer!)

Barry Shamis of Selecting Winners, Inc. has compiled a list of really bad answers to interview questions.   Here they are:

Q. Why should I hire you?
A. Because they say you should always hire people who are better than you.

Q. Why do you want this job?
A. So I can have a front for my more lucrative activities.

Q. What do you remember about your life as a child?
A. The courts promised to suppress all that after I turned 18.  Why do you want to know?

Q. Who do you admire most in history?
A. The Three Stooges.
Q. Why?
A. Because when someone asked them a stupid question, they smacked the idiot in the face.

Q. What five or six adjectives best describe you?
A. Really, really, really, really, really cool.

Q. What can you tell me about your creative ability?
A. I think my answers to most of your questions are pretty good indicators.

Q. Tell me about you as a team player?
A. Teamwork is OK, as long as other people don't get in the way.

Q. Are you willing to take a drug test as part of your employment?
A. Sure.  What kind of drugs do I get to test?

Q. Did your grade-point average reflect your work ability?
A. Absolutely.  Maximum results for minimum effort has always been my goal.

Q. Do you consider yourself to be a smart person?
A. No.  But I'm the only person in the world with that opinion.

Q. What is your greatest weakness?
A. Three-foot putts for par.

Q. How do you handle change?
A. I usually put it in a jar in my sock drawer.

Q. Can you supervise people?
A. Sure.  Tell people what to do, then kick their butts if they don't do it.

Q. Describe your management style.
A. Don't do anything you can make someone else do for you.

Q. How do you go about setting an example?
A. I never let anyone catch me sleeping in my office.

Q. How would your subordinates describe your management style?
A. Who cares.

Q. How do you define a "problem person"?
A. Anyone who disagrees with me.

Q. Are you a good communicator?
A. Huh?